This recipe was inspired by my brother Peter, a person who lives off of absurd, hyper-processed foods.  I've often described Peter as having a "Halloween pallet," because the foods he enjoys are either orange or black.  And while some bullies would have you believe that “Orange fingers are the first sign of a fatty,” Peter’s orange fluorescent fingertips, which connect to a 6-foot frame that supports some 135 pounds of 20-year-old flesh, do nothing if not defy this assumption, all while pushing away any food with nutritional value.

 

And while I take issue with some of my brother's dietary choices, I can't help but admire his self-assuredness, and envy his courage to live exactly as he pleases.  Peter's diet also helps me to feel a bit more comfortable with my own guilty pleasures, for example, cinnamon rolls made using Trader Joe's pre-made white pizza dough.  Allowing for these and other "dirty" foods to make the occasional appearance on my plate may not provide any additional health benefits, but they're satisfy my soul in a big, profound way.

 

My complete essay on Peter and his dirty diet -- complete with fun facts about Cheetos and snarky footnotes -- can be found here as a PDF.

 

 

Ingredients:

 

• 1 package of Trader Joe's pre-made pizza dough (I prefer the white one, but if you insist on being at least sort of healthy, there is a whole wheat option) brought to room temperature.  If you're cocerned about additives, preservatives, dyes, or any other issues, you're welcome to make your own pizza dough from scratch.  I'm sure you could find a decent recipe on Pinterest to suit your needs.

• About 1/2 cup brown sugar. I've never measured the amount I use, but I imagine it to be about this much.

• 2-3 tablespoons cinnamon.  Again, I've never measured, but I think this about how much i've used.  If you're a cinnamon lover, maybe use more.  If you're not, maybe try less.

• About a half-stick of butter, softened.  Feel free to use more if you feel like indulging.

• Flour, for dusting 

• Non-stick cooking spray

 

NOTE:  you'll also need dental floss, preferrably a non-scented/non-flavored one.

 

Directions:

 

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  

2. Lightly dust countertop and hands with flour to prevent dough from sticking. 

3. Stretch pizza dough into a rectangle about a 3/4-1" thick.  I prefer to do this with my hands first, and then straightening the edges on the countertop.

4. After spreading the dough out on the counter, spread butter evenly over the dough.  I find this is easiest to do with a brush, but if you don't have one, a spoon (or even clean fingertips) can work well too.

5. Top the buttered dough with an even layer of brown sugar and cinamon.  I like to then mix theses ingredients together using the concave side of a spoon.

6. Roll the dough into a log or roulade.

7. To cut the log in to individual rolls, take a long strand of dental floss, and wrap it all the way around so that it comes come full circle.  Then, pull either side tight, thus "cutting" into the dough.  Gently pull the newly cut piece off of the log.  Repeat as needed.  NOTE: I try to make incisions every inch or two.  Remember that these rolls will expand when you bake them.

8. Arrange rolls on a greased baking tin or dish, preferrably a circlular one.

9. If you have any leftover butter, feel free to brush it over the tops of the cinnamon rolls to make them extra rich and, well, buttery.  Sometimes it's nice to sprink a little bit of brown sugar and cinnamon over the tops as well.

10. Bake for about 10-15 minutes, or until rolls just start to brown.

11. Enjoy with coffee.